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Karzai the kleptocrat  

Barry Prendergast saw an ad in the Kabul Sunday Sport. If you sent £100 to the kleptocrat Kazai he’d get the ultimate recipient to send a pic of herself, sans burqa,  bollock naked with only the holy book covering her muffin. Baz did so but then Plod turned up, took away his PC and banged him up in Belmarsh. Charged with aiding terrorism, racism, disrespecting religion and paedophilia he had only the Koran, visits by Jonathan Aitken and the nocturnal ministrations of Miss Fist to sustain him in his ordeal. Kazai won the election. No girl ever got any money. 

Tank trap  

I'm poking round the D-Day port of Arromanches. First I jumps on an artillery piece, in good nick saying it’s fifty years old - then I crawls into this tank  It’s dark but slowly my eyes adjust to the gloom. I notice in a back room (the amenities block I suppose) reclining on a camp bed Marlene Dietrich and Catherine Deneuve! Catherine is struggling to divest herself of this tight leotard (she'd been doing aerobics to a Jane Fonda record). They're beckoning me over! Marlene's opening and closing her legs suggestively - then I hear the tank door clang shut!!! 

Unholy Virgin  

I go to Chartres. It’s very gloomy inside; the stained glass really stands out. There’s usually wall-to-wall Japs with tripods but today I’m alone admiring the carvings. Suddenly who should leap out from behind a statue of the Virgin but bleedin Simone Signoret. They say she’s good on the clarinet. She starts pulling at my bike shorts and I look down and notice with horror that her lips are puckerin as though she’s goin to play Mozart’s concerto in B flat…or something. “Bugger me” I thought “She’d never have got to me if she hadn’t been disguised as a nun”.