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SMIRNOFF AND LIME

OLD BLACK GOLD

Joe McCarthy

Joe McCarthy is a noted reciter of verse in the pub. Bob Wild went to a lot of trouble to get him to put the above on paper. But writing isn't the same thing as speaking, or even orating. Being naturally suspicious of oik poetry (but see my recommendations in BOOKS) I was less impressed than perhaps I would have been after four pints in the Fletcher Moss. It too went into the prototype Oik 2 but raised the hackles of the readers who rejected Another Country. After this I resolved never to circulate prototypes again.


 

SMIRNOFF AND LIME

Joe McCarthy

Thereís a vodka called Smirnoff you can drink with or without ice
I donít bother personally but many say itís very nice
You can have it with lemonade or what you feel like at the time
But never kiss a girl who drinks Smirnoff with lime

It was in the seventies and Slade were number one
The love of my life had left me, she was well and truly gone
All alone at a party what was I to do
When along came my mateís sister and we had a dance or two

We rocked on the dancefloor as Noddy bellowed out
There was no chance of sweet talk as we would have to scream or shout
But the chemistry was there as the music changed to slow
But before we could kiss the lady had to go

I donít know if I called or maybe she rang me
Weíll go to the pictures thereís a film Iíd like to see
Weíll meet in the Eagle or perhaps the Penny Black
And the weatherís not looking good so donít forget your mac

No real names required so Iíll call her Flossy Fluffy
So forward and exciting and never ever stuffy
And now Iím going to meet her for our very first date
With her words in my ears saying ďyouíd better not be lateĒ

The film was called Jaws about a great white shark
We sat in the back seat and it went really dark
Then she put her hand well above my knee as the head fell from that boat
She screamed out loud and I went ouch and thought Iíd get my coat

Well I was only eighteen but my voice had never broke
But after that awful scream I spoke like a bloke
She let go immediately as the tears fell from my eyes
And then rather expertly she rearranged my flies

I got rather frightened as she tore into my neck
Sheís decided I was her ship but I was just a wreck
And when she went for my face I was filled full of fear
For Godís sake get me to the pub I really need a beer

I never seen the end of the film as I had a pain in my crutch
Perhaps I exaggerate. It didnít hurt that much
But we got back to the Eagle well before they called time
And thatís when she ordered a large Smirnoff with lime.

As she was my date I know I had to pay
And when she knocked it back in one what could I say?
Her glass went back on the bar and the Smirnoff came off the shelf
And I thought well Iím paying Iíll have a pint myself

When the night ended we went for the bus
Flossy was on the number three and I didnít want a fuss
But she stuck her tongue in my mouth, it really was a crime
I didnít mind the Smirnoff but I couldnít stand the lime

Now all these years later did I misunderstand?
Perhaps I loved someone else and my head was in the sand
And as I stand here at the bar and the landlord calls out time
I still say never kiss a girl who drinks Smirnoff with lime


 

OLD BLACK GOLD 

There's a guy called George W. who
Hailed from Texas State
Who became the president of the U.S.A.
A job he thought was great.
He knew Tony the Prime Minister
Who soon became his guest
The best known politicians in
The history of the West.

It was several years ago when
They first got into bed
Tony listened intently to every
Word George said.
"You're either with me or against me,
I don't care what you say"
And Tony replied meekly
"OK, Sir, OK!"

Tony went back to Downing Street
As George stayed where he should be.
He lived in a White House that
Tourists went to see.
George had his own Rumsfeld
And an interesting rice
But the ideas they came up with
Were not very nice.

They met in the Oval Office
As the coffee began to boil
When George said "I've got an idea
We'll steal someone's oil
Iraq has got plenty and Saddam's
Not towing the line
So we'll bomb old Baghdad
And the oil will be mine!"

Tony met in the furniture room
With his merry men
There was Prescott, Straw and
Gordon Brown and perhaps another ten.
"I'll say it's 45 minutes and
Call it W.M.D.
The people will believe me ó
Just you wait and see"

Within six months they said
It was over, a war well and truly won.
George and Tony the conquering
Heroes" - according to The Sun.
But bombs are still exploding
And people dying every day.
So just like many others I don't
Believe a word they say.

Yo, Blair has gone but will
The Bush power ever diminish
As battles still rage and
Will they ever finish?
Perhaps they'll retire to Texas
And play with George's toys
And the world might remember
Them as a pair of old cowboys.

History will decide if they were
Bad or great
Whoever rights the book will
Surely seal their fate.
But hopefully it will be the truth
And the story will be told
How George and Tony got together
In pursuit of Old Black Gold!